The Great Coffee Abdication

Breaking Up with Coffee: My Journey from Cortisol to Cayenne

Apr 25, 2025

Of all the things I've quit in the name of health—fast food, salami, cheese, salmon—absolutely NOTHING has been harder to abandon than coffee. It's like breaking up with someone who smells incredible, makes you feel alive, and visits you first thing every morning without fail.

I will admit I'm not totally abstinent. I indulge in a latte every few Sunday mornings simply because they're delicious. There's nothing like it! And no, you cannot ever truly replace coffee. I won't insult your intelligence by plastering on a smile and cackling about how I made something JUST LIKE COFFEE! That would be like telling someone their blind date has "a great personality" and expecting them not to notice the taxidermy hobby.

Nope. You just get used to it. You find something that gives you a similar cozy feeling, and that's what you drink from now on.

First of all, we always start with the WHY.

Why should we give up coffee? Who cares really?

Well. I wish I could be so casual about it. But the truth is, it's not good for you.

It's acidic for one thing, so it messes with your digestive system like a toddler let loose in a meticulously organized closet. You work so hard to stay healthy all day long, then you start your day with this chaos? Nah. You’re better than that.

It's so high in caffeine. Compared to other caffeinated drinks, it's like when a kid eats an entire box of sour patch kids, but in a beverage for adults. Amping up your cortisol levels tells your body you're in danger, and it begins to hold onto fat just in case famine really is around the corner.

Then, on top of that horror, it also contains A.G.E.s, or Advanced Glycation End products, which is caused by adding extreme heat (also known as the roasting process) to anything containing a decent level of fat. AGEs cause you to... age faster! I'm serious! It also weakens your immune system. So to me, it's a worthwhile pursuit to give it up.

So, what do we replace it with?

I happen to love a latte, so my replacement is going to be creamy, and to give it that similar roasted taste, I'll add raw cacao.

Ok, we're making hot chocolate! I know. It's funny. It's like when your parents told you they were taking you to an amusement park and then pulled up to the dentist. But it is really good. And if you add some cayenne pepper to it, you get that very grown-up feeling reminiscent of the first time you tried the disgusting beverage as a child. Make it crazy strong with chili powder! It's really tasty and adds some extra nutrients.

I also make my own raw vegan milk. No weird preservatives. Lots of good feeling nutrition. It doesn’t take long at all, especially once you get the routine down. I typically only have to make it every other day.

If you prefer your coffee black, try substituting with strong black tea. It’s not the same, but it has that strong, dark flavor you’re used too. If you really want to try something closer to the real thing, I love the Teeccino brand of coffee substitutes! You actually use the coffee maker to brew them, so you still get that warm feeling first thing in the morning. I started with this the first time I attempted to quit the sauce.

Nothing will ever taste exactly like coffee, so the best thing you can do is remember why you are doing this, accept that nothing can truly replace the flavor, and appreciate that there is something that can give you a similar cozy, inspiring feeling.