Dissociation, Imagination, and Learning to Feel Again
The survival trick that almost cost me my imagination
The Girl Who Decided to Forget
I remember a time when I was so young, with a memory so sharp that I could recall every single bad thing that had ever happened to me. Seven years, eight years, nine years of bad experiences played on a loop. By the time I reached my 11th birthday, I wondered if I would survive my childhood.
I was an obsessive reader, and by that age, I had already consumed hundreds of novels with varying degrees of dark characters. Hysterical moms. Strange teachers. Psychotic best friends. Murderous neighbors. I even read Stephen King’s Carrie, totally captured by the images of her insanely religious mother locking her in the closet just for having a monthly period.
I knew what insanity was. And I was worried that these negative looping thoughts would destroy me.
So I decided to do something about it. I decided to train myself to forget.
Practice Makes Permanent (Unfortunately)
It was easier said than done. Each night, I would lie in bed, willing my mind to forget whatever humiliation had played out that day at school. And each night I failed.
I tried all kinds of things. Scolding myself. Praying to God to wipe my memories. Lying to myself about what had happened. Some of these things worked a little, but no matter what, the memories kept going - each day’s embarrassment stacking on top of the previous ones like the man in the Caps for Sale book.
But I don’t quit. And once I set my mind to something, I eventually make it happen.
I don’t remember when it worked. It wouldn’t make sense if I did, now would it? But at some point, my little magic trick succeeded. Much to my high school best friend’s frustration, I have forgotten entire sections of my childhood.
Apparently, my friends threw a surprise party for me at her house during one of my high school birthdays. It took some coaxing, but the only thing I can recall is my super smart friend Erica giving me a gift of a burgundy teapot and explaining how to put the herbs into the mesh strainer, telling me what a tisane was.
Moments like that - when an old friend wants to reminisce, and I give her a blank stare - are embarrassing. I know she’s interpreting it as evidence that I didn’t really care, or worse, that I was too self-involved to remember the nice things people did for me.
My Superpower Had Side Effects
I thought I was inventing dissociating.
There was a point when I became conscious of the act, and I carried a mixed bag of emotions about it. On one hand, I hated that I couldn’t hold my memories of youth the way most people could. I knew I would never look back at a yearbook and say, “Oh, look, remember when we did...”
On the other hand, I knew it was serving as my superpower and my protective shield. The idea was to get through adolescence unscarred, and if I had to do that by escaping reality at the end of each day, then so be it.
I was a survivor. And I intended to survive.
The Man Who Yelled
The habit of dissociating lessened in adulthood due to my interest in spirituality and Buddhist practices. Daily meditation and dharma talks taught me how to pay attention and become comfortable with uncomfortable feelings.
During some of those years, I was in a relationship with someone who yelled at me a lot. I remember hearing myself begging him to stop at one point because I “couldn’t hear him.” He scoffed at that, and even I knew it sounded stupid - but it was true.
When a man yelled at me, I would just disappear. I wouldn’t be able to say with any certainty what his words had been because all I was experiencing were energetic lightning bolts of rage pounding against me. I imagine it’s similar to getting beat up, where all you can focus on is staying alive, so you don’t exactly remember what the verbal complaints were at the time, or what time it was, or what the weather had been like.
I learned a lot about my dissociation habit while in that relationship. Thanks to all the meditating, yoga, and sound healing practices I was doing each day, I was starting to gain emotional stamina - enough to actually hear the words being yelled at me. Which allowed me to stay calm enough to finally look him in the eye one day and tell him to leave me the fuck alone.
When Your Boyfriend Thinks You Don’t Care (But You’re Just Exhausted)
Even after I got out and had developed quite a handle on staying present, I still found myself spacing out when I was tired or bored. Nothing wrong with that - unless you are in the presence of a love interest who is telling you a story. You can’t blame him for thinking you don’t care, even if it isn’t true.
So a few years ago, when my guy told me that he felt like I wasn’t always listening to him, I knew exactly what was going on.
My days have always been spent intensely listening to students and clients for hours at a time. Sometimes by the time I finish, I can’t focus anymore, and I would find myself spacing out while he was trying to tell me about his day. I would become frustrated because it seemed as though I needed to be in my head constantly, and I started to resent that I didn’t have enough time to be in fantasy land.
I knew I had to do something. His frustrations had ground. I knew he was right.
At the same time, I was also longing for enough time to just live in my imagination.
And then I started to wonder - what was the difference, even? Was I pathologizing something that was actually good? Was I giving in to this Western obsession of making every magical experience a disorder?
All of a sudden, I became very protective of my dissociation. I had been working to a point of stopping the habit and was finally on the cusp of eliminating it forever. But what if that meant my imagination would be lost as well?
I couldn’t bear the thought. And it made me angry.
So I Found a Therapist
I started to understand that there’s a difference between dissociating and imagination.
But is there? Isn’t it really the same thing?
Yes. I think so. But the difference has to do with what drives it.
Dissociating is meant to escape a physical situation with no way out. Imagination can become a powerful tool for that.
Stuck in a boring classroom? Invent an alternate reality inside your head and go there.
Dad telling you how stupid you are again? Go to that made-up world.
Someone crossing your boundaries sexually? You know what to do.
When I was in school - which I hated - I would often do this. And as soon as I went home, I would run to my room to write down whatever ideas I had come up with. I think this is a really constructive way to use dissociation and the imagination. These ideas would turn into songs and art pieces and poetry.
But what if it gets so frequently practiced that you find it impossible to keep a job or finish the degree you started, or you keep quitting all of your projects? What if it gets to a point where you can’t stay focused on a friend who’s coming to you with her problems? What if you start to be perceived by others as being totally self-absorbed and uncaring - when the truth is, you just can’t keep your attention focused for more than a few minutes?
I think that’s when you have to start the mindfulness practices.
And it’s good to start with the body.
A Child Only Has Her Imagination
If I’m honest about my experiences with dissociating, it has a lot to do with leaving the body. Because the body is in a physical place with no escape - and a desire to do so.
Being a child, for instance, in a family where really uncomfortable things are happening and you cannot do anything about it. There’s nobody to tell. There’s nowhere to go.
What does a child do in that situation?
The child only has her imagination to escape into. It’s actually a wonderful survival mechanism. But anything you practice over and over again, day after day, is going to become a permanent habit.
I tell my piano students this all the time: Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes permanent.
The same is true of our psychological habits.
So what happens when you escape your body constantly and it becomes habitual? You find it very difficult to feel into your body.
Thank God for Yoga
Thank God I was always interested in somatic experiences like dance, yoga, and athletics. Because when I began my yoga practice in 1998, a whole new world opened up to me. I was still deep into the habit of dissociating, but the act of yoga helped me understand that there was a way out.
A few years later, I discovered breathwork, and this helped me go even deeper into body awareness - into understanding what was happening inside me.
Meditation on a daily basis taught me how to remain present in social situations, when normal anxiety would enter my body and cause me to slightly dissociate in the presence of others. But thanks to the yoga, the breathwork, and the meditation, I was beginning to feel comfortable staying present in front of people.
And while I had maintained a professional ability to do this on the job, social situations were always harder. But thanks to these practices, I found that I was actually able to remain calm enough to be fully present and focused.
“Listen to Your Body” Makes No Sense
I remember being in yoga, and the teacher would always say something like, “Listen to your body.”
At first, I really didn’t know what that meant. It didn’t make any sense to me.
But over time, I began to understand that it was just worded incorrectly.
I don’t listen to my body. I feel into my body. I sense my body. I feel sensations that are telling me things.
The body is constantly sending me messages. But I’m such a literal person that the words “listen to your body” just confused the hell out of me.
What really should have been said was: Feel your body. Feel the sensations. Interpret those sensations as messages. What is your body telling you?
The body speaks to you through sensation.
Coming Back Home
I have a video coming out this week with an exercise that will help you get in touch with the sensations of your body. Do it every day.
And when you go out into the world and you’re in the presence of others, practice feeling into your body.
Remember - your body is your constant companion. But it needs attention, just like any relationship. You have to pay attention to your body. You have to teach it that you’re there now. You’re there to pay attention.
You’re there to finally feel.
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💙 Bella
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